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whatcanidobuttry.harder's blog
Sorry I haven't posted a blog yet. I'll get round to it.

I am obsessive, I lack courage, I'm constantly thinking about what it means to belong, I sometimes think I will never have that. If I ever do I will be grateful. I have never met a like minded person, this makes me an incessant liar. (Actually that's not true, I have met like-minded people, but they were afraid too, so we couldn't talk about it) I'm highly self-aware, i find it hard to escape. I don't always think it will be ok, sometimes I think the answer is to learn not to feel guilty about not even wanting it to be ok. I often get frustrated because I feel like I have this pent up creative force but i'm not really good enough at anything to be able to actually create something that really communicates the emotion it was born from. Art thatis untrue is worse than no art at all. If someone says I'm special to them I pretend they're special to me. Eventually they become important to me but that's about it. They can never be more because for some reason they all end up leeching me dry of all energy and vibrance, and I resent them to the core. I can't hate them because it is unintentional and because when it comes down to it, I let them do it. Those who really are special to me are usually people I don't speak to/haven't met/don't even know. I believe things are this way because I am a coward. To find people who are like you, you must lay yourself bare. What if you do and scare everyone away... and nobody new comes... I live a life of excess and often wish nobody loved me so I could devote myself to the selfish pursuit of pleasure and to..well, myself, I suppose. Love is a burden unless both parties feel EXACTLY the same way, on the same level, at the same depth and intensity. this is rare. but it's the ultimate pleasure. But yeah, I'm a good listener and I love cats and reading. I don't talk to my friends about anything because I do not have the patience for bad advice. They do not give bad advice because they do not listen but because I am not truthful with them. They would never in a million years read this and think that I wrote it. I'm paralyzingly shy at times, but oddly enough even though I don't talk much I often hear that people I've briefly met have said really nice things about me. On the other hand sometimes people think the reason I'm quiet is that I'm up my own arse. This is a misconception, I judge no one. I have no sense of urgency and I value peace in my life. The kind of peace that can co-exist with chaos. My lucky number is 3.

About me
I am a female

Age: 22
I live in London W - United Kingdom 
Last online: 22/02/2008

Status: Single

I want to go here:  Paris I liked it there

What I'm looking for:
to...not sure why,