Rainbows by Dulux and the World’s Biggest Electricity Bill He buzzes me in quick with a load of right right right’s and yeah yeah yeah’s but then leaves me standing outside his door for ages listening to the smash crash bash going on inside. No one has seen Ray for weeks and his phone has been cut off, no-one really cares and neither do I but he owes me £50 and has done for months so I wait there with my head resting on his door trying to peer through the spy hole.It’s all black in there now, but when I first arrived there was an intense beam of light shooting out and tunnelling into the dark of the landing. Generally Ray is so pale he’s almost translucent, that’s because he just sits in playing Xbox and smoking bongs all day. He has a very active social life, but only because everybody goes round there to play Xbox and smoke bongs all day.It’s one of the estate’s stoner drop-in centres, a yellow walled home entertainment pit with shit all over the floor (I mean stuff not actually shit) and a malnourished tarantula in a dirty tank.Ray resides at its centre selling weed, collecting dole cheques and spinning out pill-heads with his strange strange philosophies.Ray doesn’t need to go out so he doesn’t, I have rarely seen him outside his flat and I’ve known him six years. Ray is not pale when he opens the door today though, he looks like he’s been lost in the desert. Standing there in Bermuda shorts and flip-flops his whole body is dark reddish brown and blistered, the skin cracked and shiny. The white of the whites of his eyes and teeth stand out in his face and the effect is sort of terrifying really and I’d turn and go if I wasn’t so skint. He’s still got the chain on the door so I guess he knows why I’m there. ‘Oh oh oh, alright Malachey mate what’s up?’ His head is bobbing up down and around and it’s really pissing me off. ‘Alright Ray how’s things? You look a bit crispy, been on holiday? That’s not what people who owe people £50 should be going around doing.’ ‘Oh what? Yeah yeah, no no holiday, just whatever.’ He beams at me through the crack in the door and the cracks in his face. ‘Stop bouncing around will you, mania stresses me out.’ ‘Sorry man, I’m out of skunk, straightness makes me hyper.’ ‘Sure,’ I don’t want to get involved, ‘so what about my £50 then?’ ‘Nah nah, can’t do it mate, I got bills to pay.’ ‘Yeah well me too.’ ‘Not like this mate…’ he clunks the door shut for a moment and the reopens it, ‘check this out.’ He pokes a crumpled electricity bill at me, it’s covered in sinister greasy brown stains. ‘Jesus Christ! Seven grand?’ ‘Evil innit?’ ‘How in the hell did you do that?’ ‘It’s the price of progress man. Can you keep a secret?’ ‘No, not really.’ ‘Me neither,’ he says unlatching the door, ‘come in and prepare to be staggered.’ I follow him in, wincing at the sight of his back which is covered in severe yellow/red welts and brown streaks. He leads me into the one large room that makes up his flat, it is almost pitch black and smells of hot dry air. The only light comes from glow in the dark plastic stars which are stuck all over the ceiling. ‘Open the curtains will you I can’t see a thing.’ ‘Can’t, I n-nailed them shut.’ ‘Why?’ ‘To keep the light out, I don’t need it any more.’ I sigh and fish a half a bent cigarette out of my jacket pocket, the flame from my lighter makes my vision go all blotchy but I can still see enough to find my way to the sofa. As I take a drag on the musty stale tobacco I make the decision take his Xbox down to cash converters for my money, I don’t want to, but I’m going to. It’s not until I lean back and relax a little that I notice a huge sphere looming above me in the darkness, it must be three feet in diameter and made of what looks like smoked glass. ‘Fuck man, what’s that thing?’ ‘That my friend is the world’s largest, most powerful light bulb.’ ‘Oh,’ I say, and suck up the last of my cigarette. ‘Four thousand watts no less,’ he plants his hands on his hips and beams at me proudly, causing little beads of blood to appear on his cracked lips. He lowers himself painfully onto a beach towel that lays spread out in the centre of the room and picks up a small plastic box covered in gaffer tape, it has a dial on the front and a wire at one end that leads off into the darkness. ‘God’s got one of these,’ he gives the box a shake, ‘and so have I.’

‘What is it?’

‘I’m n-no longer a slave to the fucking sun man, no longer at the mercy of dreary old clouds. I get to choose when it’s dawn or dusk. I can sunbathe twenty four hours a day if I like.’ ‘Ray, you can’t get a tan off a light bulb.’ ‘Yeah? What do you call this then?’ He holds out his arms for me to see and they are very brown, they are also leathery and cracked and blistering, the hairs all singed. ‘I call that second degree burns mate.’ ‘Oh, yeah well I overdid it a bit. It’s just so fucking cool I can’t keep off the thing. Check it out man I’ll power the fucker up.’ He reaches for the dial and I hear a click, a dim light appears at the centre of the sphere. There is a loud and dangerous sounding hum which accompanies it. Ray starts nodding to himself excitedly. ‘Yeah yeah yeah, here we go mate, this is just 200 watts, I’ll crank it up slow so you get used to it.’ This is the first time I can see around the room properly and it’s pretty scary, everything is dry and burned, yesterdays Sun newspaper looks a hundred years old, all the colours in the sofa and carpet are faded out and his tarantula lays shrivelled and dead. There is a feint outline of Ray’s body visible on the beach towel, next to it I spot the Xbox, a hard grey puddle. I look up at his creation; he seems to have made it by gluing pieces of broken bottle to the inside of a spherical mesh cage, it is ugly and scarred and I can see it has gotten so hot at times that even the glass has melted a little. I can see the shape of the filament glowing within, it looks thick as a rope. I am mentally preparing to make my excuses and leave, but I’m curious too: ‘I’ve got to admit that’s pretty damn impressive Ray. What’s the filament made of?’ ‘Sorry pal, patent pending and all that. You’ll have to make do with the demo.’ I hear a click and the sphere becomes intolerably bright, I shield my eyes and pull my jacket over the top of my head. ‘That’ll do man, I’ll take your word for it ok.’ ‘No no that’s fuck all, 500 watts, check this out,’ there is another click and I shut my eyes quick, a wave of intense heat blasts into me. ‘Woohoo!’ yells Ray, ‘2000 watts!’ ‘Turn it off!’ I shout over the loud buzzing, but I hear another click and quickly fumble for the sofa, tipping it over me for cover. Ray is pounding a fist on the carpet and I swear I can smell meat cooking. ‘Yeah man! That’s it up on the full 4000, tell me that’s not some awesome fucking power. It’s like the sun, it’s just like the sun!’ I try to squint at him from under the sofa but the light is searingly bright so I bury my eyes in my hands and just wait for it to be over. ‘It’s cool innit? Malachey? Hey Malachey?’ I hear a couple of clicks and so dare to open an experimental eye, the triangle of light at the end of my sofa cave is back down to something tolerable so I extricate myself and brush the ash/dust off my clothes. Ray now appears to be blind as he stares up at his homemade sun, there is smoke coming off his shorts and hair. ‘Ray?’ ‘Yeah yeah yeah?’ he asks the wall. ‘I don’t think this is a very healthy thing to be doing.’ ‘It’s sweet mate!’ ‘Seriously, I’ve got to take you the hospital or something, you look a bit septic in places.’ ‘Nah fuck that, I’m not going out there, too many variables.’ ‘You know Ray, there is a sun out there too.’ ‘Nah nah nah,’ he says, rocking back and forth, ‘fuck that shit. I’ve got it sweet, I’ve got the dial.’ He waves his box in the air again and grins a big painful grin. I spot a couple of tubes of fake tan lying on the floor and realise that explains the streaks. Leaning forward I put my face in my hands to think. I am wondering what I can do, then I remember; John owes me £30, I don’t have to do anything. ‘I reckon I’m off Ray, things to do.’ ‘Ok cool cool,’ he says and jumps up to walk me out. ‘Hey Malachey mate?’ ‘What?’ ‘You’ve not got £50 you could lend us have you?’ As I walk down the landing I hear the big humming noise start up again and all the lights in the building waver and grow dim. Silly cunt.